again. It’s depressing. I don’t know what I did. Except that I made a phone call a few months ago, trying to switch banks. And I did it at the wrong time. I didn’t have a stable home at the time. They kind of freaked out at my floppy life and rejected me. I had a savings account at the time. They took it away. Now I have a place to live and some money so I tried again. They still didn’t want me. 

I sit in my room watching TV. A new big TV that got set up all pretty and homey on top of my dresser. With my lights and clothes all over the place. I sit and I watch the lives of four siblings all grown up with their big families and I’m jealous. Even if it got crazy and they couldn’t always handle each other while growing up, at least they were never alone. 

My sister is across the country, soon she’ll be across the globe. And I won’t get to see her for a long time. And even if we do live near each other again, she won’t be mine. She’s been adopted by a new family, an overpowering family, much louder and bigger and more stable than mine, therefore, they win. 

Everyone has homework. And while they hate it, they all get to hate it together. They are constantly with each other, studying, or trying. Even if they are studying different subjects, they can all be together and bond over hating school and wanting to be out. While I sit alone, not in school, wishing I could be, just so I could be around people. They don’t realize how lucky they are.

I have work the same time every morning and I dread it every night. Complaining inside my head of how tired I am, yet I never allow myself to go to sleep at a decent hour. I stay awake until it just seems too silly to be awake. And then my alarm goes off a few hours later and it starts all over again. Work, cry, go home, cry, watch TV, maybe I should eat something, eat (kind of), watch TV, midnight already? sleep-i guess. lather,rinse,repeat. 

And I don’t like it. And Yes I’m complaining about it and I don’t care. I’m allowed to. This is how I feel right now and I need to write it down, or at least - I feel like I do. That’s okay. I’m not a completely ridiculous person. I’m just a person. Who didn’t ask for this life, but got it and has to live it I suppose. And I’m doing that, sort of. As best as I can at least without going completely insane. I’m trying a little bit. Somedays are horrible. And some get better. And on those days I reach for the phone and try to do something right in life.

And then they tell me I can’t bank with them.

latherrinserepeat.